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Oct. 15th, 2009 @ 05:15 pm Se y'all at FurFright!
Current Mood: crazy
Yes, I will be attending said convention, with my girl Squik, and of course the rest of our crew, and it is going to be glorious. Sadly I haven't really been able to get together a good costume this year (I know, shame on me... still, how would I top last year anyway?), but I am still VERY much looking forward to some chill hangings out and catchings up with all my furry peoples, whom I have not lately seen and badly miss. Thilus is in need of some relaxation... which usually means running at high RPMs and even higher BAC for several days with little to no sleep. It's how I roll.

See you'se there! I still have no phone, but I'll be checking the laptop periodically, so leave a message here, or on AIM, or call Ferret, and I'll make it a point to catch up with you! Failing that, leave a note on the note wall (I love that shit), or go to the dance and look for that friggin idiot with the glowsticks =D

Peace, love and nachos, y'all.
About this Entry
DNA
Aug. 12th, 2009 @ 05:31 pm In case you ever wondered...
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Infected Mushroom - Becoming Insane
So, to spite the shitty week I've been having and continue my theme of indomitability, I present you with the following tidbit of (highly scientific) information.


It would take 94 Slippery Nipples to kill me

Created by Bar Stools



Experiments have been made, but of course I'm still alive.
About this Entry
DNA
Jul. 31st, 2009 @ 10:20 pm Resiliance
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: VNV Nation - As It Fades

I copied this, with very minimal editing, from an IM conversation I had a few minutes ago. It's all true and un-embellished... I thought about reformatting it and making a proper story out of it, but I felt that this form has a certain gritty reality that I want it to keep.  I took out the labels and the other person's lines. This is a little scene that I feel illustrates my life and feelings very well right now, and something I feel like sharing.


Came home this afternoon, was all happy. I'm going out this weekend, it's payday... I'm not kicking ass, but I can breathe a little.
Get off the bus early, go to the payless and get myself some (badly needed) new kicks.
Come out... it's nasty looking.
get a third the way home, it starts raining like a bastard, I get all soaked, this being the only stretch of road that has nothing to hide under.
Can't have the music player when it's raining, everything in my bag (including sneakers) is getting all soaked and wrecked... blah.
Get to the store, soaked. Stomp through the place. Plunk down twenty fucking dollars for razors and shaving cream. Goddammit.
Go down the candy isle on the way out... and start giggling. Grab some chocolate.
Go check out. Tell the girl there that I know, when she asks about the giggling... "Well, I have to walk another mile in this crap, why not do it while eating chocolate? Dammit!"  =DI
go outside, it's clearing up. Good.
Have chocolate. Less rain. Good.
I walk past the end of the parking lot, and there's Rod.
Rod is a goony kind-of-retarded black dude who used to bag for me when I worked there. Nicest dude in the whole world.
And he's standing on the sidewalk, grinning at the sky, wearing headphones.
And he's chanting, "WOOT, THERE IT IS. WOOT, THERE IT IS." At the top of his lungs, in time with the song (apparently), all out of key, in his goony semi-retarded black guy voice. Grinning his fool head off. There is a kind of pure beauty in his obliviousness. One I'm jealous of.
Give Rod a grin and hand him half the candy bar. Get a very courteous tip of the hat (ballcap) in return, without breaking his head-bopping. "WOOT, THERE IT IS."
Go on my way, grinning my own fool head off, eating chocolate in the mist and putting my headphones back on. Everything is just fine.

More and more I'm deciding for myself, that it's about keeping the happy. Just keeping yourself happy. But there's a trick to it.
You can't just keep the happy, because things can take it from you. And they do.
So you squirrel it. You give it away.
Every time you have some extra happy, you pass it along to someone who needs it, or you hide it under a rock where you might find it again later.
Do it right, and eventually you find that the happy is always somewhere in reach, if you need it.
Even something as little as being nice to a retarded bag boy every day at the store, so that years later, you might be in that place thinking about how worthless you are... but he remembers you, and gives you a smile when no one else does.

Woot, there it is.
About this Entry
DNA
Jul. 2nd, 2009 @ 09:07 pm Holy crap update
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: VNV Nation - Where There Is Light
In a hurry: Sorry to everyone who actually cares (there are a lot of you!) for not keeping this updated... but just lately I've been making up for years of being a lazy bastard. I can't catch a breath or a full night's sleep to save my life... but this is a good thing. I have a job, it's going well. I have not lost my apartment (though things are rocky), and things are mostly pretty good right now, except for the whole broke thing, and if *that* bothered me I'd have lost it long ago, right?

I'll be at Anthrocon! If you're going and you can read this, I friggin expect to see you! =D
My phone number is 1-347-414-8451, but unfortunately it's a Skype and I'll only be able to use it to receive messages. Don't let that stop you! Leave me messages! I'll be bouncing around with the regular crowd, so calls to Phin or Ferret will usually get me as well.

More substantial update if I survive this weekend. I'm gonna do my best not to =D

Peace!
About this Entry
DNA
Apr. 20th, 2009 @ 01:13 am Oh damn.
Current Mood: worried
Thilus is out of a job.

If you have any decent leads on a retail, general labor, construction, office, or... pretty much anything, do a big favor to a dude and get hold of me.

Laid off, and at a pretty bad time... if I don't get re-employed right now, I'm basically on the street and in trouble. Will be busting my hump as hard as possible starting tomorrow morning, but if you have any leads on anything whatsoever, even a rumor, do me a big favor and let me know. Yeah, it sounds pathetic, but I've got no fallback at all here and things are quite dire, I can't afford to have pride.
About this Entry
DNA
Apr. 17th, 2009 @ 09:48 am Pirate Bay Founders Found Guilty. Of Something. They're Pretty Sure.
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Marilyn Manson - MOBscene
So we finally have an official verdict in the first round of prosecution against The Pirate Bay... or rather the four brave souls willing to play the part of human shields over it.

All four defendants were accused of ‘assisting in making copyright content available’. Peter Sunde: Guilty. Fredrik Neij: Guilty. Gottfrid Svartholm: Guilty. Carl Lundström: Guilty. The four receive 1 year in jail each and fines totaling $3,620,000.

"Assisting in making copyright content available." What the hell, I was doing that myself, when I was fourteen, from the cheap computer in my family's dining room, over a free modem connection. Congratulations, Authorities: you've succeeded, after all this pop and circumstance, in royally screwing up the lives of four industrious people with the same charge you would have used to convict me at fourteen for sharing scanned comic books over AOL.
Me, or anyone else, really. It's the vague and pervasive wording on this that really bothers me. Find me someone in modern society who isn't guilty of "assisting in making copyright material available." Go on, I challenge you. Yes, your IPhone counts as entrapment. So does your TiVo, your PC, your XBox, and probably a fax machine.

Over a million dollars in fines each and one year in jail. I doubt the money will even be a problem in a case like this... it'll come form somewhere, these guys aren't stupid and they've had a long time to prepare. And jail time is supposed to accomplish what, exactly? Do I even need to go into how utterly backwards and unproductive that is? No matter what kind of prison circumstances these guys end up in (I really have no idea, either)... it's supposed to what, give them a year in which to build even more hate for the system and plan what they're going to do when they get out? Or give them a year to turn into paranoid, survivalist animals? No matter how I look at it, this counts as complete bullshit. If nothing else, these guys are obviously damned good at what they do, and not likely to appreciate being dicked so hard by The Man. Why not throw them a bone instead and put them to some sort of positive community service. Heal the breach a little, don't make it worse, you fuckin idiots. Cops everywhere are all the same, root out the evil and all that's left will be sunshine and rainbows. Bullshit. Back and white thinking only means that eventually something purple will appear and run your colorblind ass over because you couldn't see it.

So no one accuses me of being an uninformed doomcrier, let me emphasize that this descision actually means very little at this point... it will be appealed and passed hither and yon for years, and of this moment serves very little purpose other than to illustrate the current political climate. I am only glad this is not happening in the US, where the media and political circus would be thirty times the size, and my goddamned tax dollars would be paying for it. Sweden can foot this one.

No, Sirs and Madams, this is not about the judgment, this is about the message being sent. And the message, in this case, is pretty piss-poor and simple for an issue with many thousands of jobs and billions of dollars at stake, not to mention the issues of our creative liberties. And please, let's no one bring up the fact that this isn't technically happening in America, that doesn't matter a bit.
Let us faithful not forget the message being sent by the Pirates, either, and I shall quote verbatim: "Fuck You."
They've made it clear that they consider this to be merely a stage play (and I agree, for what it's worth), and the message they're sending is one of complete defiance. Their system can't be touched, they're willing to go down for it, and they want the world to know this. Personally, I cannot condone this approach... to declare yourself invulnerable on a battlefield is to invite a thousand separate crosshairs to settle upon your very own brow, and you will be unseated, this is the way of things.

Now... this is a tough one for me, a hugely tough one. On the one hand, it's damned hard for an intelligent person to argue that this is a victimless crime and that it's all just The Big Evil Corporations ganging up on little guys (ok, ok, it is that, but that's not my current point). As much as the current media distribution model is horrifyingly corrupt and counterproductive (basically being a giant double-ended dildo tipped with AIDS and battery acid, designed to brutally and profitably rape both the artists and consumers at once from a comfortable, jelly-like middle ground), they do have the right to protect their property, whether it's evil or not, and on many levels, many people who work in these matters every day really are trying to do what's best for everyone... not an easy task in this generation.

I would consider working in copyright law right now being akin to being a knight commander in the French army, showing up outside of Crécy in the summer 1346 at the head of thousand armored knights, and idly wondering what the fuck this tiny mob of unruly English thought they were about to do with all those funny looking sticks they were playing with.


Those longbows are basically Bittorrent and other emerging networks, and I don't think I have to elaborate on who the French knights and nobility are.

The longbow allowed the English to kick the ever-loving barbaric piss out of the French army and nobility, over ten-to-one, and not only won a major battle resoundingly but quite seriously reshaped the way that part of the world worked; militarily, socially, and economically. Little people with better technology have been on the leading edge of nearly every major conflict since.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long for the elite few in charge to realize that the little people were one hell of a lot easier to control and manipulate than well-fed and well-educated knights and nobles, and us crowing little rebels and pirates out there would do very well to remember this fact. The old guard is changing very slowly in this generation, but it is changing, and when it does, it might be better off if we hadn't gone out of our way to piss the big boys off as much as we possibly could have.

They might have the funny-looking sticks next time, and they might be smart enough to hide them from us until it's too late.

About this Entry
DNA
Mar. 24th, 2009 @ 10:58 pm Metaphoresis: Apprehension and Synergy
Current Mood: Exalted
Current Music: VNV Nation - The Farthest Star

Beginnings are hard.

Over a week ago I nearly finished a much longer and more polished piece... but one with an altogether different tone and question. I was angry... frightened, confused... like an animal in a cage, poked and prodded and starved and mocked, breaking its teeth on the bars and wondering if this is all life will ever be. That animal still lives, but I will save its manifesto for another time, when its voice might need to be heard again. For now, its needs have gone quiet and it is at a pacing kind of peace.
The will to greatness clouds the mind

So I find myself in another one of those places... you know the ones... you dream about them, and if you live in them it feels just like the dream.  For a long time metaphor fails me. A crossroads? A starting line? A coin toss? A choice, a threat, an arbitrary milestone?
consumes the senses veils the signs

No. A fault line.
It is calm here now, it is peaceful... but still, something may happen. You can see it. This is the demarcation between safe places... tranquil, but pregnant with possibilities. It inspires awe... the longer you wait here, the more likely that you will bear witness to something.
To what? Who knows? No one you can ask has ever seen.
we each are meant to recognize

I am terrified... but still, I want to see.
Redeeming graces cast aside

Our existence is a puzzle... each one of us a small piece. We shape our own angles and curves and lines... the experiences of life force us all to become artisans in the making of our own piece of the whole, and the making of it, the shaping of the edges of your piece, is the work of a lifetime... the only work of our lifetimes. Our final form is our testament to history... and of course, the judgement of history upon us is how and where we fit into this unfathomable tapestry.
enduring oceans new-found promise

Now let us expand: the edges of your puzzle piece... they are not lines on a two-dimensional plane, they are threads. Of course they are threads... they must be able to reach and connect to any other point on the puzzle, any point your life has ever touched. These threads are all of different lengths and thicknesses and materials... some you put back-breaking work into, others you are hardly aware of at all. And there are millions of them. Size has no meaning here, this is reality.
that the end will never come

Some connections happen of themselves... I suspect that this is most of them. Some, we make of our own purpose... and then there are some, having been made for us, we decide we wish to strengthen, decorate, make beautiful. Energy flows in this matrix, multichromatic and indecipherable: infinite frequencies that power and govern the workings of the human universe.
We live in times when all seems lost

This is the breadth of human existence. It is terrifying, and it is beautiful. Some see more of it, and some see less. Some study the pieces, some study the strands, and some study the energy flowing throughout.
But time will come when we'll look back

The incomprehensibility of it is maddening. We so rarely ever "understand" how anything works, where or how we fit into the grand pattern. Our lives flow along their mundane paths.. we feel pain, we feel joy... we learn, and we forget. We build skills, ways to bend our reality to our will, and we use them to purposes we frequently cannot see to their end.
Frustration begs questions from us... why do things happen as they do? Why do I like this instead of that? Why does this bother me, and this intrigue me? Why do I love one person and hate another? Why do they not love or hate me? Why did I learn this, at such cost? Having learned this, why did I not use it here? Should I have? So many questions, and we ask them in darkness, as we see so little.
upon ourselves and on our feelings

However, there is one thing we all live for... when the darkness recedes, and we see the connections. Once in a great while we are given the opportunity to see why things are the way they are, and make what sense of it we can. To know why I've done what I've done and been what I've been... to know that my hardships and pain have been worth themselves in a greater purpose... and to know that at this moment, there is a place for me in the puzzle. For one moment there is a place where we fit just right, and we are given a flash of inspiration, as a flashbulb in the void, and feel at peace.
Embrace the void even closer still

For a moment, at least... for there is one more constant that defeats us: the puzzle is always moving. Every tug of a string and every burst of light affects every other piece, changes their paths and alters their ethereal colors... but if you can stand true in your place and keep your eyes open, for just a moment... then you can see what makes up, to us mortals, the face of God.

I am terrified... but still, I want to see.
Erase your doubts as you surrender everything

Some great things indeed are in motion. No matter how it falls out (and I fear to prophecy), I already stand changed, and set out upon a new course.
We possess the power

In my arrogance, I'd failed to consider that there are other lives loaded into other chambers in this world... and in my blindness I fear that I may have been fired upon first. I'm fairly certain that I've heard a shot, in any case, like a riflecrack from the heavens... and suddenly a blazing light obscures what may very well be something aimed squarely at me, body and spirit as one.
If this should start to fall apart

Is it a bullet, or a blessing? I cannot yet see... but I have consulted myself and decided to raise my arms and bare my throat to it... come what may, I will face it with hope... with grace and determination, not with fear.
To mend divides to change the world

And I myself am still loaded.
To reach the farthest star
About this Entry
DNA
Mar. 13th, 2009 @ 07:18 pm Quick update
NiN tickets go on presale this Monday, the 16th. In order to get presale tickets you have to be registered on the NiN website, but this is a quick and easy one. I would love to offer to front tickets for people, but unfortunately things are horribly tight this month and I just can't do it. IF YOU ARE PLANNING ON MAKING THIS EVENT, GET A PRESALE TICKET, AS THE NORMAL TICKETS ARE GOING TO BE TIGHT AND POSSIBLY MORE EXPENSIVE. And I can't stress enough to do this early on Monday. Seriously, these things disappear like reasons to watch Fox after the snow melts.
Yes, I'm being demanding and in everyone's face, it's part of the experience =P

http://www.echoingthesound.org/phpbbx/viewtopic.php?t=34818
Here's information on the presale system, it is admittedly a little wierd, but I like it, it seems like a good way to make sure the fans who are paying attention get tickets, rather than scalpers and tools that apparently buy every concert ticket in existence for resale.
About this Entry
DNA
Mar. 11th, 2009 @ 06:44 pm Serious this time
Current Mood: bouncy


Nine Inch Nails

Jane's Addiction
Street Sweeper

Jones Beach
Sunday, June 7
 

Anyone for whom these are relevant interests, get hold of me soon...
I want to make an event out of this show, a real bring-on-the-summer asskicker, and that means planning has to start now. Tickets will go on sale any day (current advertised tickets are bullshit) and when they do people have to be ready, cause they will go up like smoke. Yes, it'll be expensive. Yes, a pile of us making a weekend out of it will be awesome. Post here or AIM me.
About this Entry
AIR, NIN
Mar. 10th, 2009 @ 07:37 pm Metaphoresis: Uncertainty
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: VNV Nation - Electronaut

Metaphoresis: uncertainty )
About this Entry
DNA
Feb. 20th, 2009 @ 06:51 pm I'd make a zombie reference, but zombies are dead to me now.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Beethoven - Piano Sonata # 14 in C-Sharp minor

So I've spent the last 3 days horrifyingly sick with flu and with a weird, inflamed neck problem that I'm pretty sure is related, most of the time spent in bed trying to find a position that doesn't feel like some asshole is pinching my spinal cord with vice grips. I don't even know what to call it, other than to say that holy crap, I will never laugh again if someone tells me they have neck pain, because when I don't have tylenol I want to die. 2 weeks after my health insurance lapsed too, great.
While I'm on that, all you good people who've been ranting about Obama and the democrats and the fact that we don't need/can't afford nationalized healthcare? Fuck yourselves. Just go die. Or explain to me why working 40 hours a week in a respectable job isn't good enough for me to even go see someone up at the college who doesn't even have an MD yet.

That's how it's been, anyway, but things seem to be getting better. Good thing too, because I've probably come close to bankrupting myself by missing this much work. Dammit, I was all not panicked about making rent for once, too.

I'm going up to visit my family this weekend, starting around 10, and I'm not going to have my laptop with me, so I'll pretty much be MIA. Everyone pretend they missed me when I get back Sunday night =P

Also, apparently Warzy's cooking up some shit on this weekend and the next. Someone go tomorrow night and be embarassing to make up for the lack of me. Next weekend I'm in person.

About this Entry
DNA
Feb. 15th, 2009 @ 02:25 am Unabashedly happy
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Apoptygma Berzerk - Asleep or Awake?
Heheheh, stupid holiday, I won this round. God must've been busy screwing with everyone else this year.

... I have no idea what the score is, but I'm pretty sure I won, nonetheless. A promising sign of the direction I'm trying to take.. forwards, not backwards. Maybe there's hope for this optimism shit after all.

Follow my bloody example, all you wankers. For christ's sake, if I can manage not to be miserable, so can you =P
About this Entry
DNA
Feb. 13th, 2009 @ 09:33 am They say that the path to greatness stems from... ooh look, a kitty!
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Apoptygma Berzerk - Rocket Science
"Deceit: it will kill you

 Defeat: it will show what you're made of

 Retreat: never surrender

 You say you carry the weight of the world..."


Anyone who knows me well, and knows about some of the things I'm going through right now, will see how this refrain could go right to my soul and make me want to get up in the morning.

So when someone tags the music they're listening to along with a meaty LJ post, do you play it while you read? If you don't know it, do you go find it? Personally, I almost always do. My posts always have a theme song, and it's usually fairly important to my mood or frame of mind. I know it intellectually, but it distresses me that this fact is probably lost on a majority of people (no offense to anyone intended), it's just an example of my being too subtle for my own good. Do both of us a favor and go find a copy of Track 1, "Weight of the World", from the album in my music tag. I'd link to it, but I hear they can kill you for that

Some people would be surprised, but there's always a soundtrack going in my head, 24/7. It's more varied than most would believe. Lately, in addition to other things (in the cut), I've been doing a lot of experimentation through controlling my moods, my motivation, and my dreams through music. Not very original, I know, but the mise en place of life has many, many layers, and they can be more interesting and powerful than your hairstyle or making sure you have bus change. This is having a big effect on me and I'm learning to control it properly and use it for good instead of angst. his new thing fits the bill perfectly. It's at once angry and upbeat... grinning and poking fun at itself while being deadly serious. I do love that kind of thing. The way I put it last night was, it feels the way my angry industrial rave dance would look in a bouncy castle.

was going to make a gigantic State of the Thilus post, but it's gonna have to wait, work is busy and I can't focus. May not be able to for a few days either, but believe me, this is a good thing. I am totally screwed up, but it's not all bad, just in flux... as if the contents of my head were a giant pile of tetrominoes and I'm busy putting them back together one line at a time. If you'd do me another favor, listen to or read the lyrics to VNV's Epicentre, (having recently started listening to their older stuff and found it absolutely strokeworthy). This track fits my headspace right now... I'm hurting a fair bit, but really, I know what I'm doing. When I cry out,  I don't want sympathy, I want motion. This is about life, and the future, and any pain I feel I am only allowing because pain is, fundamentally, an excellent motivator. I am picking up the pieces and continuing my adventure.

"You say you carry the weight of the world... guess who's carrying you?"
About this Entry
DNA
Feb. 2nd, 2009 @ 08:19 pm keeping it real.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Ramnstein - Stirb Nicht vor Mir
Holding back on making big long nutbag posts, but god damn, what a week. Emotional issues, some friends being awesome, some friends not so much, the house's sewer system draining into my new apartment and keeping me busy for a few days, issues at work... argh. It's not all bad, but things sure are crazy.

BTW, know what's a fun problem? Figuring out how to mail someone without actually asking their address. Here's some real ninja skillz for you xbox posers =P

As a fun NOT meme activity, post ideas =P
About this Entry
DNA
Jan. 26th, 2009 @ 07:52 pm Oh yeah, that's what I meant to ask...
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: DJ Tiƫsto/Tastexperience - Tantrix
More lighthearted indeed, on with the show. Most of you know that despite my involvement with the artist community, I have a weird hangup about soliciting artwork. However, it's really been bothering me lately that I don't have anything in the way of personal avatars, icons, or signatures. Would it be untoward to ask if some enterprising person or peoples could come up with and donate something I can use to decorate these pages with myself? Everything I have now seems militant and impersonal, and I'm trying to break out of that. Doesn't have to be involved, or serious, or good in any way, but... something that would be evocative of me that I'd like attached to my name on here. What do ya say, anybody?
About this Entry
DNA
Jan. 26th, 2009 @ 07:22 pm Do you know what a bleed valve is? I do.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: VNV Nation - Chrome
I am more or less set up in the new apartment, and things are going pretty well... I still can't take a hot shower, but so far everything else is fine, and that's letting me breathe a big sigh of relief. I'm safe, I'm warm (enough), and I'm not going to lose it to any weird emergency.

I've had a pretty rough day emotionally, and I actually just wrote about three pages worth of philosophical rant and whine about some current events and how lonely I am (wah wah), but you know what... that's not fair to those whom I should be talking. I shall shorten the ugliness  to its bullet points:

Talk straight with me: I try to.
If I'm important, act like it: I will do the same.
Don't tease and let me down because it's fun. If *I* do it, let me know so I know better.
Don't call me family in one moment and bite my hand the next. It hurts.

On a more positive note, I can take pain, and the best thing I can do is laugh. Laugh and move on with a smile, deep or temporary... and that is exactly what I'm doing. If you can't do the same I've no goddamned time for you.

I want to say a sincere thank you to the people who have stood with me through this mess, who've offered to help or give me a safe place or just provide an ear or a shoulder. I've been in brutal, animalistic survival mode for the last few weeks, and as many of you have seen, it's made me a little weird and volatile... but most of you, my friends, have really been there when I needed it.

I've been declared persona non grata by much of my old life, and that hurts like hell, but it makes it worth that much more that many of you have decided that I'm important in some way. Thank you so much, I appreciate it like you wouldn't believe. Each one of you makes life that much more worth the trouble in your own way, and added up, the gold far outweighs the shit.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of writing lately... much of it will eventually end up here, but I decided that it's by far better to put it up in little unannounced bits and pieces than making long apocalyptic blocks of metaphysical jabber. It doesn't work for me, and it's no fun to read anyway, is it?

Some more lighthearted fare later, promise. ^_^
About this Entry
AIR, NIN
Nov. 10th, 2008 @ 12:37 am Endings and Beginnings
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: LP - Hands Held High
Tags:

Pyrophin is leaving to begin the next great chapter of his life in Florida tomorrow, and I am unable to express the depth of my feelings about it. Our history is as unlikely as it could be, and yet such is the awesomeness of this man that he took me in when I most needed a friend years ago... someone he didn't particularly get along with and really needed no sympathy for, and he allowed us to forge a friendship that I think will easily survive this upset and last us a lifetime. He's been a friend when I needed a friend, a family when I needed a family... a teacher, a goad, a boss, a comrade in arms and nearly a father. Probably the most consistently wonderful human being I have ever spent time with, both kind and firm in perfect measure, and a constant reminder to me of the good that can come out of this confused species of ours. I can never, ever repay all the things he's done for me and the times been been there for me... mentally, spiritually and materially. But I can at least let everyone know, in a serious moment, and hope that his legacy follows him along in his journey.

In the years that I have lived in this place, I have overcome many obstacles, won many battles with myself, and become more loved as a person, by so many people in a way that that I never believed possible... and I wonder if people realize how much of it is because of my relationship with Phin. He's introduced me to so many new people and things I may never have seen. He's had a huge hand in forging the best parts of me, and I am so thankful that it's beyond words.

No praise is high enough, and no gift is great enough, to express my love for this man (though I will try). I can only hope that it will mean something to him, to know that he's responsible for so many good parts of me, and that I fully intend to go out into the world on my own journey and to continue that legacy, to spread this greatness to others and make out of myself something that he and others will be proud of.

It's late, and I could go on like this forever.
It is the end of a good time in our lives, and the beginning of a new one, and I cry tears of all possible colors as I wish him the very best of fortunes as he leaves us here to go follow his dream and do what he loves. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to be so close to this man for so long, and to call him friend. He is an amazing beacon of hope and love and life in this world, and despite the little bumps in the road, I hope that he keeps right on swimming.

I won't say goodbye, or that I'll miss you, Phin, because you're not going to disappear from our lives, not at all. But I will say thank you.

Thank you so much.


"With hands held high into a sky so blue
as the ocean opens up and swallows you"


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Oct. 17th, 2008 @ 06:30 pm BOO
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: C&C: Red Alert Soundtrack
Yessir, heading out the door for FurFright '08 in a few minutes. I'm sure I'll have a good time, as always, but I have no set plans at all this year. So if you're up to hijinks and want some company/drinking buddy/bad advice/irresponsible social activities/*censored*/anything involving rope/ ect. , get hold of me! There are a lot of folks I haven't seen in a long time and I've been keeping to myself lately, I aim to fix some of that.

*My phone number at this con is 516-380-8572 . Same one I was using as Anthrocon this summer.

I am in the overflow hotel (a billion miles away, they tell me) with Seafox and Skyjay and all, and will be there sometime before midnight tonight. Lord only knows how I will follow my usual pattern of partying and then stumbling back to my room at 6am this time... we shall see. I plan on spending as much of my time as possible in the actual con hotel, and if anyone's got free floor space lemmie know, I might take you up on it.

See ya'll there! ^_^
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Oct. 12th, 2008 @ 12:36 am Existentialism is counterproductive
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: quixotic
In all seriousness... look around you and seriously tell me how much of human behavior is based on rational expectation for the future, and then tell me how much it benefits us to really try to forecast the future based on the past. People only hear what they want to, and only the most immediate needs and wants of ourselves and our progeny will dictate our future behavior. Refute that and I'll owe you a cookie.If not, well.. call me prescient. In either case... this is all a pretty blatant farce.

In terms of resilience, I am one of the strongest people I know, and I'm pretty sure my reward will be more fucked-upedness in the future. But I do not care, because I am morally sure of the fact that breaking even in this world counts as winning this fucking stacked game.

(BTW... if this doesn't count as a triumph of human will, being totally screwed on more alcohol than a 240lb man can contain in one night, I don't know what does. It took me 30 minutes to write this.)
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Sep. 16th, 2008 @ 11:12 am Oh my god, what was I doing last night...
Current Location: Work
Current Mood: horny
Current Music: Nickelback - Figured You Out
ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO HAVE LEFT STUFF AT MY HOUSE.
And Phin's house, and Luna's house.

I have decided that for the public good (but mostly my own amusement), anything that gets left at the house for over two weeks will be subject to having a picture of it posted on my journal with your name attached, and possibly a horrible/y funny comment.

Hopefully this will not stop people from bringing terribly inappropriate things to my house, cause I approve of that. It's mostly a matter of me feeling bad because things get lost and broken and thrown out and given away, and I don't want to feel responsible.

Also, I think it'd be hilarious (and possibly career-ending, for some people) to post up some of the things I find in my room and around the house that aren't mine. So. This is the warning shot... either get yer crap or message me about it. The next post on this subject will have names and pictures =P
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